So I’ve sorta been a shitty person lately, I’ve neglected my friends, family and general life direction since I went on a whirlwind trip to America. I had the time of my life, saw a whole new world (excuse the Aladdin reference) and met a foreign man, who unfortunately remains in America. All I can think about is when can I go back? I’m trying to get a job to pay for flights, enrol in a course that will let me study there and even applying to jobs in America so I can move there. 

But what is any of this going to do for my life? While it looks and sounds pro-active I have no idea if any of it will ever work out. Once again I’m afraid that I can see myself spiralling down into the depths of a rut.

 

BUT somehow I must persevere and get on and DO SOMETHING with my life.. But realistically its all so confusing, everyone keeps telling me I’m too young to have my life planned and sorted but yet anyone my age seems to have their life sorted and moving on with things… Everything seemed simpler when I was 22, because then nobody likes you when your 23 and at 24 you just spend the time having melt downs!!! 

Well this sucks……

After a very long internal debate of will I won’t I send a message ending this, I did it!!! It took about 10 min for it all to sink in and somehow I knew this time it was different, we had called it off in the past always saying maybe sometime in the future but not this time “do not contact me I’ll decide if we can be friends in the future”, featured in this one I think that’s why it feels so final and i don’t know how a romantic relationship cannot happen again too much has happened between us I’ve gone from being comfortable and confident in myself to needing his recognition to feel good and that’s not how any relationship should be casual or not!
I sent this message on Facebook so I could see when he had read it, one of the perks of Facebook and it took him half an hour to write a response I could see the little writing symbol up for ages….. The reply I got was longer than I expected, I actually think he was shocked, my friend who read the message I sent nearly cried calling it emotional, honest and raw saying it should give him a wake up call. I read his reply and spent most of the evening re-reading it but I couldn’t bring myself to reply because I don’t know how honest it was” I know I fucked and messed you around, I should have made time but I didn’t I guess I didn’t think I’d be so busy this semester, i really did want it to work out this time”, I want to believe him and I want to be friends I still care a lot for him but I’m so jaded with him, the situation and life to make sense of what’s going on in my head.
I’m going to take a step back and not contact him for a good while or as long as it takes for me to either get over him, get my confidence back and be more comfortable with myself.
A wise friend told me that maybe this will be a wake up call for him, not having me around will show him how good he had it and if its meant to be we will find our way back to each other and have a stronger friendship or relationship in the future. For now I’m not going to hope or look for anything with him I and we need a clean break from this vicious circle we were in…

Is it really bad for me to hope he’s hurting as bad as I am right now??????

If anyone who reads this has any advice or opinions please contact me its all welcome!